It
has been frequently reported in popular media that the action film star/ folk hero Chuck Norris allegedly doesn't use any
pickup lines at the bar -- he just points to ladies and says “Now.” Honestly,
that’s some weak tea, right there.
Steve
Perry doesn't have to say anything. He wakes up every morning to the sound of
breaking glass, as nubile females between the ages of 18 and 34 throw his lawn furniture
through his bedroom windows, frantically stumbling through the wreckage into
his home, while shouting “Take me! Take me now!” Then, they rip their blouses
open before him, and scream “Ravish me!” Then Steve Perry turns the side, to briefly
look at the eighty-six other women whom he pollinated the night before,
sleeping in a pile beside him, and he sighs and shakes his head.
Steve
Perry invites these wayward young women to sit on the edge of the bed next him,
just to talk, However, Steve
Perry really doesn't want to talk -- he wants to listen. He worries about these ladies, and the obviously abnormal
behaviors they exhibit, and he tries to find the root cause of their unresolved
personal issues that had caused them to meet. More often than not though, he is
the cause for their anxious misery. Upon realizing the depth of the
wretchedness and agony that he has inadvertently caused these women via their
unfulfilled, existential need for his all-natural organic man yogurt, he is
left with no choice but to mate with them. Anything less than that would just
be a wanton act of cruelty inflicted upon an otherwise innocent person.
From
what I've been told, he’s pretty intense, and he maintains direct eye contact
the entire time, even when spooning afterwards.
No
one ever does the Walk of Shame coming from Steve Perry’s house, because tender
moments are nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone stays for breakfast -- a
proper breakfast, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and strong coffee -- which he has
catered every morning. It’s just too much work cooking a proper breakfast for eighty-seven
women every morning, especially when someone has a job as important as his --
roaming the earth to heal broken hearts with the power of music. Daily catered
events sound expensive, but if you consider them to be a utility you can easily
budget this. After all the dollars they've placed in jukeboxes over the years
to hear his songs play in bars, it’s the least that Steve Perry could do to give
something back to his impromptu harem before they all go their separate ways.
It
should go without saying that he remembers each and every one of their names,
because he sends them all cards on their birthdays. Not a quick post on their Facebook
walls, but actual paper cards. For this reason, the latest population models
indicate that by 2100, there will be some 22 million people who are a direct descendant
of Steve Perry, making him more prolifically virile that Genghis Khan.
No comments:
Post a Comment