Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Former Journey Frontman Steve Perry is, in Every Way, Superior to Jesus Christ

The Vox
I realize that the title to this article may hurt and offend some people, but as Eugene Zamatin teaches us: "The inevitable mark of truth is cruelty – just as the inevitable mark of fire is its property of causing the sensation of burning." My detractors may argue that I should respect Jesus because he died for my sins, but that only goes to prove my point. Steve Perry didn't have to die for my sins. He saw that original sin was holding me back, so he just absolved it, on a whim, right there and then, with no strings attached. It’s not that he is above holding grudges, it is just that the idea of doing so never crosses his mind. If Jesus Christ is the King of Kings, then Steve Perry is the King of King of Kings -- and here’s an example of why that is.

It has been frequently reported in popular media that the action film star/ folk hero Chuck Norris allegedly doesn't use any pickup lines at the bar -- he just points to ladies and says “Now.” Honestly, that’s some weak tea, right there.

Steve Perry doesn't have to say anything. He wakes up every morning to the sound of breaking glass, as nubile females between the ages of 18 and 34 throw his lawn furniture through his bedroom windows, frantically stumbling through the wreckage into his home, while shouting “Take me! Take me now!” Then, they rip their blouses open before him, and scream “Ravish me!” Then Steve Perry turns the side, to briefly look at the eighty-six other women whom he pollinated the night before, sleeping in a pile beside him, and he sighs and shakes his head.

Steve Perry invites these wayward young women to sit on the edge of the bed next him, just to talk, However, Steve Perry really doesn't want to talk -- he wants to listen. He worries about these ladies, and the obviously abnormal behaviors they exhibit, and he tries to find the root cause of their unresolved personal issues that had caused them to meet. More often than not though, he is the cause for their anxious misery. Upon realizing the depth of the wretchedness and agony that he has inadvertently caused these women via their unfulfilled, existential need for his all-natural organic man yogurt, he is left with no choice but to mate with them. Anything less than that would just be a wanton act of cruelty inflicted upon an otherwise innocent person.

From what I've been told, he’s pretty intense, and he maintains direct eye contact the entire time, even when spooning afterwards.

Special thanks to memeweaver Luc Gaydos for this image gag.No one ever does the Walk of Shame coming from Steve Perry’s house, because tender moments are nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone stays for breakfast -- a proper breakfast, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and strong coffee -- which he has catered every morning. It’s just too much work cooking a proper breakfast for eighty-seven women every morning, especially when someone has a job as important as his -- roaming the earth to heal broken hearts with the power of music. Daily catered events sound expensive, but if you consider them to be a utility you can easily budget this. After all the dollars they've placed in jukeboxes over the years to hear his songs play in bars, it’s the least that Steve Perry could do to give something back to his impromptu harem before they all go their separate ways.

It should go without saying that he remembers each and every one of their names, because he sends them all cards on their birthdays. Not a quick post on their Facebook walls, but actual paper cards. For this reason, the latest population models indicate that by 2100, there will be some 22 million people who are a direct descendant of Steve Perry, making him more prolifically virile that Genghis Khan.  

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